Lenten Reflection Week 3: Unnecessary Deaths

 Lent is often a time to remember the death...death that sin brings, death of Christ, death during winter, you get the idea.

Then there are unnecessary deaths. Small moments that slip by with little recognition. The kind of death in which I ignore me. I ignore what my body is telling me. I don't give ear to the small soul-voice that slowly whispers, gently asking me to rest. I say, "No, I can push through" because institutions may require me to fulfill a deadline. Later, the still soul-voice will whisper more loudly the next time, asking me to eat, to drink, to be full. And again, I say "No, I mustn't stop for fear of being seen as lazy". Yet again later, the voice is begging. But I turn shoulder and walk away.

Until I find myself collapsing at the end of the week, month, semester, what have you. And the birds sing above me. Welcoming me home. The soul-voice has long been quieted now, but fearfully peers around the corner, wondering if it has finally been heard. It takes several days of coaxing, solitude, and returned gentleness to prove to my soul that it has my ear, my breath, my body. That the earth has my ear, my breath, my body.

May you find yourself listening to you, the Spirit, the Divine this Lent--that you may slowly refuse to reject the voice that speaks to you giving you life, breath, and being.

Lenten Reflection, Week 2: In Worship of the Ordinary

I have realized something recently while preparing a project for a class. I am addicted to stress.

It's not that I love it. Because I don't really. However, I should mention, there is good stress and 'bad' stress.

Good stress is the feeling I get when meeting someone new and interesting. Or the feeling I have when I start networking to get a project done or the excitement I have when starting a new project I'm passionate about.

'Bad' stress is the "fight", "flight" or "freeze" feelings that invade my body when I feel threatened. It's not really bad stress. It's actually really good in the moment. Unless it becomes chronic, which happens in a variety of ways.

But here's the thing. This feeling is so familiar to me. And it makes me feel like I'm getting something done. That good stress when my brain is firing ideas inside my head, trying to solve some problem I've spotted in the world, it feels amazing. And it's how I get a lot of things done. I can "turn on" this feeling so easily. And I barely notice it.

I don't know how to live in the mundane. And you know what, a lot of life is mundane, ordinary. The grocery store. Laundry. Dishes. Sleep. Brushing my teeth.

I used to skip a lot of these things or ignore them because they were a nuisance. They weren't part of getting problems solved and ideas started or being productive. (Don't worry, I always brush my teeth).

This Lent, may I, may you, be able to stand in the ordinary--to live in it, experience it, rest in it, and be ok with not producing, not achieving, not being extraordinary, but being ordinarily human. May we worship the ordinary and encounter the Divine in our routines. 

Lenten Reflection Week 1: 'Unless You Can Demonstrate the Opposite'

There is a tendency during Lent to reprimand and remind yourself that you are nothing but dust, sinners, unworthy of forgiveness unless, by the end of 40 days, you can demonstrate the opposite.

There is a tendency in society to define yourself by your success, wealth, productivity, or lack thereof.

Even in your own internal psyche, there is a tendency to believe you are inadequate and worthless, unless you can demonstrate the opposite.

Challenge this tendency. Let Lent be about you accepting and receiving love, less because of what you do and more because of who you are.

Mardi Gras and More Than Enough

  Mardi Gras. Growing up, I was taught that this was the day to indulge in everything delicious and sinful--much like an alcoholic's last drinks in the cab ride to the rehab facility. It's hard to find little if any religious significance in a day like today--what do greed and gluttony have to do with Lent? Don't most religions ask us to fore go these sins?

But I want to argue for days like today.

Today reminds me to enjoy and become aware of the abundance--that I have what I need. Yes, I am lacking in many things. But for this moment, I can celebrate that I have enough. In most faiths, we are taught that there is an abundance within the Divine Economy, should we ask or seek.

Before Lent, it is important to know what it means to have "enough". When we do this, we enter into a complex transition more fully. We fill ourselves full so that we may enter into the wintry season of Lent--a time of mourning, fasting, loss, sadness, death, so that we can compare these with abundance--able to feel and meditate the contrast even more sharply.

Enjoy the abundance, be reminded we live in an economy of "enough" "more than enough".

That Time I Wanted to Slow Down, Again. (Or, I'm Back)

Preface: After 10 days of bed rest from a concussion in a bike accident, I sent this letter to my graduate program. 

Dear Director of Clinical Training, Academic Advisor, and Chair Department of Program,
WOW I'm feeling a lot better. I expect to return to classes Tuesday. I still may be a little slow...my witticisms and humor may take a bit longer to come back to me. For some of you, that's a relief wink emoticon 

I feel incredibly rejuvenated, ironically. And, I've had some awesome meditation and reflection. The first day or two I spent wondering how I was going to make up for lost time concerning practicum and academic hours. Towards the end of my rest, though, I've realized some really important things.

I can't return to the academic/clinical pace I was moving at prior to my accident. I lost a lot of who I wanted to be as a person and as a practitioner-and in all reams: spiritually, emotionally, physically, mentally.

Sadly, I've seen the same thing happen to my current cohorts. And I'm continuing to bump into recent alum who are still feeling burned out from their time at school. This is validating for me. It says that it's not just me who can't answer to the demands of the program without losing something of myself.
I'm making bold statements, I know. But I love Fuller. I love this program. I love my cohort. and I'm committed to finishing strong. A lot needs to change though.

I've got lots of ideas of how we can make this work. And, of course, I'm open to suggestions. The only thing that won't work for me is going back to the pace I was living. Oh, And finding another program at another school isn't an option smile emoticon But I would hope to goodness that wouldn't be a suggestion! smile emoticon I love this school and faculty too much.

I would love to sit down with all of you or just one or each of you individually to see what we can brainstorm! I'm excited, too. Thank you for all the work you've done for me and the program. I can only imagine that the pressure I feel as a student, the faculty must feel much more. We appreciate yall.
Thanks,
Katy

An Unusual Chorus, a preparing for Advent

Today, November 28th, 2013, is surrounded in a conundrum of events. A day of thanksgiving and feasting, the second miraculous day of Hanukkah, and soon, the beginning of Advent season.

While everyone is chiming in via social media about their gratitudes, I can't help but picture the events that brought in each tradition...

...A group of people take a brave and sacred pilgrimage across treacherous seas to find a new home, one that promises freedom from religious and political oppressors. Yet, they are met by sea-bound illnesses, plagues, harsh winters. What should have been a time of rejoicing was shrouded in death and loss.

...A silent, ominous time of waiting for another group of persecuted persons...waiting for a promise their G-d had given them, that the lowly and meek would be first and their oppressors shall be last. Waiting for a royal King who would come bringing this peace they longed for. And they
had been waiting

 for.
so. 
long.


...Yet another group of harassed peoples who watched as their family, who had become a great nation, was desolated. Their sacred sanctuary that was the center of their economy, their spirituality, their government, their every thread
 of
 being
...decimated.
"As [Jersulam's] glory had been, so great was her dishonor: her exaltation was turned into mourning."

Ah, but there was that vile of oil that lasted far longer than it should have. And the meek baby that was born and demonstrated the peace, love and joy they (we) all had craved. And the Indians who taught their uninvited guests how to grow crops, to live in their land, and to share the table with people who weren't quite like the others.

And so, the wonderful cacophony of this season begins, a chorus of mourning, thanksgiving, and waiting.

May you find yourself captured by the paradoxes that surround us. May you tune your ear to the horrendously beautiful chords that sing of our past and our present.

A Lesson in Persistence

Remember this post in 2011?
Or how about this post in 2012?

And here I am, in 2013, with some crazy updates. I'm at the school I've had my eye on since 2007...
And I love it.

And this past January, I filled out my third application for the degree I've been wanting. After two painful rejections in the past three years, after giving away everything I owned last year (including some of my favorite artwork and other possessions), packing up my compact suv, and driving half away across the other side of the country where I knew one person, and diving into studies to prove myself to the department,

...I'm in.

I made it. I'll be a graduate of 2015, ready to pursue a dream I've had since I was a kid.

I've known for a handful of weeks now, but I still wake up and walk towards the library in the mornings, down the sidewalk that's lined with 6 story high palm trees, and say to myself "I made it. I live in California. And I made it."

Yeah, there were days in the past few years I didn't think I could make it out the front door. I remember how fearful I was of becoming homeless, because I felt like it was what I deserved. Melodramatics aside, this is how I truly felt.

But here I am. In California. I thought it might be cool to revisit my writings from the past two times I applied to this school, see what hindsight is like.

I remember thinking I didn't believe I was good enough to get in to the program. Looking back, I've realized that this myth stemmed from 20+ years of holding onto a lie that I was never "good enough" ...in sports, in school, as a child, as a sibling. It's an issue I am working hard with, reminding myself that all those areas aren't ultimately me. They are things I do, things I enjoy.

I also remember writing about some God-questions that were running through my mind after the 2nd letter. Hindsight, I still don't believe God had much to do with my 2 denials and my most recent acceptance. If anything, I think s/he sat beside me each time my dreams seemed crushed, holding me. And then dancing and celebrating with me this year.

Then, there was an anonymous comment to my 2011 post, concerning what I want and what God wants for me. Now that I have several biblical studies and theology classes under my belt (which has mainly taught me how much I don't know), I'm pretty sure God wants for us good things, to enjoy life, to enjoy the world, to enjoy Her.

I adhere to the notion that God has given me what I need for life, and I'm an adult who can make decisions on her own. I can't believe in a god who is parental, authoritarian, and demanding, making decisions for me. It's not who She is, even though that's what I learned when I was young. And I hope to write more about this idea in later posts to come...I'm taking an Old Testament course that has been a-mazing in showing me just how different--in a good great, way--the Judeo-Christian God was/is from the other gods that were worshipped way back then.

So, let's summarize...

 what have I learned?

A lot. Like, don't give up on dreams, even if you fail and fall...a lot. Even if it's painful to be persistent. And write in the middle of those falls so you can revisit them and see where you've come from, and who you are.

But mainly, the best thing I've learned is...



...I am worth this.