Advent Reflections, Just Before Christmas

Just the other night, I was playing with some of my favorite kiddos, and at one point, a child grabbed a fake weapon, pointed it at me, and I pretended to fall to the ground, wounded. When I was lying down, fear started to overcome me. My body began to believe I was in this real life situation. Several times this happened.

The pain, anguish, and anger of my experience came washing over my shoulders during tonight's Advent Meditation service. The violence, the fear, the disunity of our nation and our world rushed at me. I wondered if anyone else felt this way for our human community. I became angry at the perpetrators, manipulators, the cheats, those who abuse their power, passive leaders who look the other way. And the irony of the advent hymns during meditation were not lost on me. "New advent of the love of Christ, shall we again refuse thee, till in the night of hate and war we perish as we lose thee?", "Chains shall he break, for the slave is our brother! And in his name all oppression shall cease", "O come, desire of nations, bind in one the hearts of humankind; bid thou our sad divisions cease, and be thyself our king of peace".

Bid thou our sad divisions cease. The image of an us vs. them society played in the back of my head.

And again, I became saddened. Heavy shoulders sagged.

The best and worst part came just after this moment. I was gently and humbly reminded of something so key to my being, to all of humanity:

I have been the victim, the weak, the oppressed, yes, but I, too, have perpetrated, manipulated, been the oppressor, abused my power, and have passively watched as a fellow brother or sister was oppressed or slandered and I did little to stop it.

It is easy, especially in campaign season and in a year of increasing violence, to split into "us vs. them" thinking.

It is harder to think about the times we have done the exact thing we despise.

This Christmas week, remember, we have, too, been the oppressor. The abuser. The silent, passive person.

This is not to make you feel guilty. Not so you are filled with shame and self-hatred because this, too, gets us nowhere. But to remind us we are not so different than "they". And as a way that divisions may cease and that we may recognize in all of us, our  humanity.  That humility, peace, and love may reign instead of bitterness, apathy, and fear.

Peace and Love be with you this season,
Katy

Advent Reflections, Week 1

I’m having a hard time putting thoughts into words. Because I have so many.

Maybe this is the problem.

Too many words.

Too many voices talking, no, shouting over one another to be heard. 

Let my words be brief so I am one less voice adding to the chaos of your season.

May we see and feel another’s (or your own?) hopelessness for a moment.

So that we are humbled.

And grounded. 

And reminded we need one another. Desperately in need. Of connection, of hope …that we are seen, heard, loved by others.

Reminded that we are but one or two split decisions from being like those we subconsciously and discriminately judge. And that yes, we need them, to learn from them.

For the pain in our hopelessness will ignite our need for one another. To connect and hear the “me too”s and “this won’t be forever” and “I have been there and come through”.

May we find this interpersonal hope. The kind that does not answer all our questions. Does not solve all problems. But that can bring peace…Among religions, ethnicities, cultures, countries.

Salaam, Shanti, Shalom,

Katy

Looking Back at Ramadan Through the Lens of "Straight Outta Compton" (Say What?)

About a month has passed since Ramadan. I'm sitting at a coffee shop watching the moonrise and noticing its crescent shape, and I was just reminded of this.

It's funny because this afternoon before the moon joined us on the west coast, I noticed my attitude has shifted since fasting. I find myself once again unsettled with what I already have, wishing I had more or better. This reminds me of an Old Testament text that says our minds are as quickly changed as the bending reeds in the wind. I tried to accept this unsettling feeling, reminding myself I need to learn distress tolerance as much as I teach it to clients.

I just recently saw Straight Outta Compton and highly recommend it with some caution: there is a lot of nudity and coarse language. However, I picked up some great messages that really connected to my core and with what I learned during Ramadan.

And it goes back to being succumbed by wealth, power, prestige, needing more than enough. The movie did a beautiful job of depicting just how alluring are power and wealth. It's almost as if they are their own character entities in the movie who do not discriminate between ethnicity or social class.

There are three poignant scenes that caught me up in a whirlwind of emotions and couldn't help but clap during them. The first, a scene of a red and blue bandanas tied together to symbolically proclaim that regardless of gang or crew, people were coming together to take a stand against injustice done by government officials who had succumbed to the sirens of power.

Another scene captured an rap crew member dissolved by grief when he lost his brother. His crew gathered around him, holding him but giving him space to release so much anger and sorrow.

The third and one of the last scenes of the film show three members left from the crew, and they have it all: mansions, women, fame. They made it. They have risen above oppression and culture's low standard expectations. And yet.

And yet they stand alone. Have waged war (in hip hop fashion) against each other. And there's a still, empty quality to the sterile shots of the white, pristine mansions with crystal clear pools. Even the water is still. One character, on the verge of death unbeknownst to him, calls up his old buddies to reconnect. To apologize. To recognize he lost what they initially sought.

These scenes say so much. We are all so easily seduced by power and prestige. None of us are immune to it. In fasting, we are reminded that we actually can survive on much less than what we are used to and we begin to question this about our material lives.

My participation in Ramadan was also a way to tell friends and family that the oppression by some of the Muslims, ie ISIS, does not represent all of Islam. In fact, it represents 1% and the Muslim community has been the brunt of ISIS's attacks.

Straight Outta Compton comes out at a pivotal time when social media and technology has unveiled the ugliness and continued presence of racism, of societal oppression, of injustice by authority.

The Ramadan Experience is a way for us to stand against this and to promote peace and understanding, a core belief of my Muslim brothers and sisters.

I anticipate participating in Ramadan again. And be sure mark your calendars... Sept 21st is International Day of Peace. No matter your religion, gang, ethnicity, social economic status,

peace be with you.

Ramadan Reflections, Week ...Ooops

A week ago from Monday, I was able to participate in a full day's fast from sunrise, waking up at 4:30 to eat breakfast, til sunset. My day was such that I wasn't required to do a lot of rigorous work, and at this point in my modified fasting (eating breakfast in the mornings past sunrise, but fasting til sunset) my stomach was waking me up at 4:30a.

After the full day experience, Wednesday came with a familiar tickle in my throat. I decided to break my fasting that day because I felt a cold coming on, and I knew sickness was a reason Muslims allowed themselves to break fast. I did what was needed to take care of myself, and of course, learned some cool lessons along the way.

This last week of Ramadan may have started with sickness, but Friday night was probably the best part of this experience. 10 people from my church and a family I homeschool taught came together for an Iftar. The family hosted and invited other members from their Muslim community, even a Muslim Harvard lecturer who happened to be in town.

I got chills the whole night as saw Muslim women sitting next to my church friends to initiate conversation about Ramadan, life, their families. When it came time for the call to prayer, the 11 yr old boy I once tutored opened in the traditional song-prayer, while the other children passed out dates, juice, and other delicious finger foods with which to break fast.

During Maghrib, our Muslim brothers and sisters allowed us to join them in their evening prayers. To my surprise, all of the people from church had brought scarves with which to cover their heads--having already researched or known that it's proper for women to do so during prayer.

We all joined in a bigger conversation after an AMAZING meal, saying thanks and sharing gratitude to each other for hosting, opening their hearts, for inviting us, for open minds.

I sat back, drunk in joy and gratitude and peace and love. From Muslims and Christians, I heard people asking for more get togethers just like this--to break down barriers, to offer love, to show the world we need each other. I can't say enough about that night. And yet I'm still speechless.

I hope to come back with more processing and maybe more words about my experience. But for now...

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"Out beyond ideas of wrongdoing
and rightdoing there is a field.
I'll meet you there.

When the soul lies down in that grass,
the world is too full to talk about.
Ideas, language, even the phrase "each other" doesn't make any sense.”

-Rumi

Ramadan Week 3 Reflections

Week 3. Tired. Hungry. Angry. Hangry. Easily irritated. Quickly fatigued. Uncomfortable emotions more readily present.

These are just a few things I'm experiencing that have been challenging. Extremely challenging. 

I've gotten myself into some trouble, too, by allowing my emotions to override my brain. It's tough. Because I'm tired and hungry, everything is right at the surface.

As a therapist, I love this challenge. It makes me take time to really take care of myself and check in with how I'm feeling. I'm not your average therapist--I'm still learning a lot about emotions because I grew up with a limited range of them: happy and angry-because-I-didn't-get-my-way. So these ever present emotions during Ramadan have challenged me to sit with some uncomfortable feelings and remind myself no feeling is final.

I've recognized I've become more attuned to my connection with Allah/God/Spirituality and greater humanity. I'm in an interesting place spiritually, but that's another blog for another day. Suffice it to say, my Ramadan experience--no, wait, OUR Ramadan experience--gives me a passion for accepting, loving and learning from people of all religions; a passion for a peace that I desire but have very little knowledge about. I confess--I'm still learning the ins and outs of why war and violence go on in the Middle East among religious factions.

I've become very passionate about letting others know, too, that my Muslim brothers and sisters are NOT ISIS. They are not the war portrayed in the media. They are not hateful. I have found the very opposite to be true: they are much more loving and peace oriented than myself and many of my Christian brothers and sisters.

I guess one Ramadan theme that keeps popping up is this...I'm still learning. We're still learning. But from what I've seen, many of us are willing to get messy, make mistakes, say the wrong thing, amend it, and continue on a trajectory of love. And peace. And sharing stories.

May you find similar peace giving, peace bringing themes in your Ramadan, no, our Ramadan experience.
Salaam,
Katy

Ramadan Reflections, Week 2

I'm filled with awe for so many aspects of my experience and my new (partial) understanding of what my Muslim Brothers and Sisters do to honor the Prophet Muhammad, Peace Be Upon Him.

I'm in awe of my response to fasting. I have fasted for my Christian heritage traditions before, but I have never had this much joy in doing so as I do now. Though I'm honored and filled with joy to be joining in this Islamic holiday, my stomach is not so happy.

In my physical discontent, I've found spiritual satisfaction to know that I'm playing even the smallest part in reconciliation in a movement towards religious peace, understanding, and acceptance.

I'm learning so much about gratitude, about how little we actually need to live on this planet and to live peacefully, how to better manage emotions that are now at the surface because of the added element of hunger pains, and how time can move much slower if I choose to expend wisely the little energy I have day to day.

This hasn't been easy. And I'm ashamed to say I've thought about giving up because "This isn't my heritage!" and "This is THEIR choice! Not mine!". But it is. It is my choice.

The Christian bible talks about denying one's self so that God may increase. My hope is that in denying myself, may God, who is Love, increase. May love increase through peaceful hearts and open minds willing to learn about their neighbors despite race, religion, or cultural differences.

May we not ask for peace, love, and joy but realize it is already here. We need only slow down and visit with each.

Ramadan Mubarak, brothers and sisters,
Katy

Ramadan Reflections, Week 1

 

Something inside me gets really excited when I hear about people from different cultures, countries, religions, backgrounds, etc get together peacefully to share a meal, stories, lives. 

When I was a kid, I just wanted everyone to get along. I was taught the Bible said to love everyone. 

As I grew up, I watched people's actions. The same people who professed to believe the Bible...were in fact pretty selective about whom they chose to love. Some of them were rather nasty with their words, and some just didn't realize they'd put conditions on unconditional love. 

And so, with all this excitement inside me after seeing #Muslims4Lent, I'm joining many Christians in #Christians4Ramadan as a way to say that unconditional love is unconditional. Love wins. No limits. It's simple. 

Yet so freaking hard. But I'm tired of war, hatred, right vs wrong. Tired of religion being used to divide. So as I saw one man on the twittersphere say, "I'm waging peace". 

Salaam, 

Katy

Lenten Reflection Week 3: Unnecessary Deaths

 Lent is often a time to remember the death...death that sin brings, death of Christ, death during winter, you get the idea.

Then there are unnecessary deaths. Small moments that slip by with little recognition. The kind of death in which I ignore me. I ignore what my body is telling me. I don't give ear to the small soul-voice that slowly whispers, gently asking me to rest. I say, "No, I can push through" because institutions may require me to fulfill a deadline. Later, the still soul-voice will whisper more loudly the next time, asking me to eat, to drink, to be full. And again, I say "No, I mustn't stop for fear of being seen as lazy". Yet again later, the voice is begging. But I turn shoulder and walk away.

Until I find myself collapsing at the end of the week, month, semester, what have you. And the birds sing above me. Welcoming me home. The soul-voice has long been quieted now, but fearfully peers around the corner, wondering if it has finally been heard. It takes several days of coaxing, solitude, and returned gentleness to prove to my soul that it has my ear, my breath, my body. That the earth has my ear, my breath, my body.

May you find yourself listening to you, the Spirit, the Divine this Lent--that you may slowly refuse to reject the voice that speaks to you giving you life, breath, and being.

Lenten Reflection, Week 2: In Worship of the Ordinary

I have realized something recently while preparing a project for a class. I am addicted to stress.

It's not that I love it. Because I don't really. However, I should mention, there is good stress and 'bad' stress.

Good stress is the feeling I get when meeting someone new and interesting. Or the feeling I have when I start networking to get a project done or the excitement I have when starting a new project I'm passionate about.

'Bad' stress is the "fight", "flight" or "freeze" feelings that invade my body when I feel threatened. It's not really bad stress. It's actually really good in the moment. Unless it becomes chronic, which happens in a variety of ways.

But here's the thing. This feeling is so familiar to me. And it makes me feel like I'm getting something done. That good stress when my brain is firing ideas inside my head, trying to solve some problem I've spotted in the world, it feels amazing. And it's how I get a lot of things done. I can "turn on" this feeling so easily. And I barely notice it.

I don't know how to live in the mundane. And you know what, a lot of life is mundane, ordinary. The grocery store. Laundry. Dishes. Sleep. Brushing my teeth.

I used to skip a lot of these things or ignore them because they were a nuisance. They weren't part of getting problems solved and ideas started or being productive. (Don't worry, I always brush my teeth).

This Lent, may I, may you, be able to stand in the ordinary--to live in it, experience it, rest in it, and be ok with not producing, not achieving, not being extraordinary, but being ordinarily human. May we worship the ordinary and encounter the Divine in our routines. 

Lenten Reflection Week 1: 'Unless You Can Demonstrate the Opposite'

There is a tendency during Lent to reprimand and remind yourself that you are nothing but dust, sinners, unworthy of forgiveness unless, by the end of 40 days, you can demonstrate the opposite.

There is a tendency in society to define yourself by your success, wealth, productivity, or lack thereof.

Even in your own internal psyche, there is a tendency to believe you are inadequate and worthless, unless you can demonstrate the opposite.

Challenge this tendency. Let Lent be about you accepting and receiving love, less because of what you do and more because of who you are.

Mardi Gras and More Than Enough

  Mardi Gras. Growing up, I was taught that this was the day to indulge in everything delicious and sinful--much like an alcoholic's last drinks in the cab ride to the rehab facility. It's hard to find little if any religious significance in a day like today--what do greed and gluttony have to do with Lent? Don't most religions ask us to fore go these sins?

But I want to argue for days like today.

Today reminds me to enjoy and become aware of the abundance--that I have what I need. Yes, I am lacking in many things. But for this moment, I can celebrate that I have enough. In most faiths, we are taught that there is an abundance within the Divine Economy, should we ask or seek.

Before Lent, it is important to know what it means to have "enough". When we do this, we enter into a complex transition more fully. We fill ourselves full so that we may enter into the wintry season of Lent--a time of mourning, fasting, loss, sadness, death, so that we can compare these with abundance--able to feel and meditate the contrast even more sharply.

Enjoy the abundance, be reminded we live in an economy of "enough" "more than enough".

That Time I Wanted to Slow Down, Again. (Or, I'm Back)

Preface: After 10 days of bed rest from a concussion in a bike accident, I sent this letter to my graduate program. 

Dear Director of Clinical Training, Academic Advisor, and Chair Department of Program,
WOW I'm feeling a lot better. I expect to return to classes Tuesday. I still may be a little slow...my witticisms and humor may take a bit longer to come back to me. For some of you, that's a relief wink emoticon 

I feel incredibly rejuvenated, ironically. And, I've had some awesome meditation and reflection. The first day or two I spent wondering how I was going to make up for lost time concerning practicum and academic hours. Towards the end of my rest, though, I've realized some really important things.

I can't return to the academic/clinical pace I was moving at prior to my accident. I lost a lot of who I wanted to be as a person and as a practitioner-and in all reams: spiritually, emotionally, physically, mentally.

Sadly, I've seen the same thing happen to my current cohorts. And I'm continuing to bump into recent alum who are still feeling burned out from their time at school. This is validating for me. It says that it's not just me who can't answer to the demands of the program without losing something of myself.
I'm making bold statements, I know. But I love Fuller. I love this program. I love my cohort. and I'm committed to finishing strong. A lot needs to change though.

I've got lots of ideas of how we can make this work. And, of course, I'm open to suggestions. The only thing that won't work for me is going back to the pace I was living. Oh, And finding another program at another school isn't an option smile emoticon But I would hope to goodness that wouldn't be a suggestion! smile emoticon I love this school and faculty too much.

I would love to sit down with all of you or just one or each of you individually to see what we can brainstorm! I'm excited, too. Thank you for all the work you've done for me and the program. I can only imagine that the pressure I feel as a student, the faculty must feel much more. We appreciate yall.
Thanks,
Katy