One Wild Ride: Falling

Tonight I had dinner with some friends at their place. We mulled over the usual: guys, jobs, and how our parents won't get off our cases. One of the women I hadn't known for long and she was interested in my love for horses.

"You work with horses? That's so cool! Have you ever watched the tv show Sweet Home Alabama? Ever since watching that, I want to get in touch with my inner Southern Belle and learn how to not be afraid of horses so I can marry a rich cowboy and know what I'm doing on the back of a horse."

I chuckled and asked her why she was so afraid.

"I almost fell off once!"

I could insert intellectual comments and observations about how with life we all fear the fall and then miss out on the wild ride our lives could be.

But I'll spare you the imagery and poetic metaphors.

Because today I fell. I applied for a degree that would send me in the right direction for a successful and wild future. But I got rejected. For the second time.

And there's nothing flowery about rejection. There's nothing poetic about sobbing hard enough so the neighbors hear.

So what does it feel like to fall...I feel bruised. I wasn't the wisest applicant. I only wanted one school. I applied for it. And nowhere else. A lot of people thought I was stupid. I still refuse to believe so. And I still want to go there. And I'll probably do what I did last time...write an appeal letter. The admissions dept will send me another letter saying they've accepted the maximum amount of students; there's no room at the inn.

Why did God/providence allow this? Well, quite frankly, I don't think s/he had much of a say. My application was in the hands of other people.

So what if God told the "other people" not to accept me? Possibility. But the God I believe in works for me, for my good.

Then...what if this rejection is God working for me/for my good? Highly unlikely. Simply because my gifts and talents and passions and skills and past experiences and current reality all point to this school, this degree.

But what if I'm too close to the puzzle to see that this rejection is God working for my good? I mean, not an impossibility. But I could pose the same question of evil/satan working against me and therefore giving me a "no".

This is what happens to my brain in the middle of anxiety and pain. Answers. Answers will soothe the disappointment. After dissecting my life though.... they really don't soothe anything. They just fuel more questions with the need for more answers, into a spiraling hole.

Then what am I left with? Ah. Good question.

A mess. That's what I'm left with. And fitting with the end of Lent and the beginning of crucifixion so near.

Meditating, Part 3

If you've been practicing, experimenting with some of the meditation guidelines I've given, it's my guess that some things have come up for you.

Perhaps feelings/thoughts of...

sorrow

joy

anger

agitation

love

peace

criticism

judgment anxiety

anticipation trust surprise

acceptance

shame

guilt fear

grief clarity

Perhaps your next question is, "What next? What am I to do with all these emotions?" Or most common for me, "How do I get rid of _________ (insert least desired emotion)!?"

The answer? Don't. Don't get rid of whatever it is that comes up, don't suppress it (yet again). Chances are my body is trying to tell--more than likely yelling at--me about something. These emotions can be traced back to the body's warning/pleasure signs during man's early days. What we might label as bad feelings anger, fear, anxiety, once kept us from harm. And other ones we might label as good kept in us a desire to do more than exist.

Instead, maybe take a moment to 'role play' with each feeling that arises. I posted one blog last year that can give you a bit of an idea of what this looks like. This is hardest to do with the emotions we label as "bad" or "wrong". But take a chance to open the door and let it in, give it a seat near the door, so that if it wears out its welcome, you can gently show him the way out.

But when you're up to it, ask him, "What do you have to teach me? What is it you need?" Often times, my feelings pop up like children's hands in the class room, begging for attention, and once they've been given their moment, they settle down and quiet down.

And yes, there are those that will visit you often, and about one particular thing you'd like to leave untouched. But listen to them. Maybe they need to be held, maybe they're telling you that you need to be held, and hopefully, soon, you'll find not only compassion, but self compassion

Meditating, Part 2

Creating Space for Yourself

Where’s, When’s, & How To’s

Where you meditate can make a difference. If you are highly sensory oriented, Starbucks or a place with music in the background may not be an ideal space.

I’d like to suggest a quiet room during a quiet part of your day. Sometimes for me that looks like our back room at work. Or I have a room in my apartment with a smell-good candle (Lavender Lemon) and my favorite chair in the corner.

For some people, just being quiet isn’t the greatest way to get started with such an incredibly hard discipline. Maybe you need a guideline.

Here are just a few ideas:

-Think of today’s, or the previous day’s, gifts for which you are grateful. Maybe you caught a hint of the roses planted in front of your house this morning. Perhaps you saw the sunset or rise.

Though these may seem trivial, bring this back to mind and thank Providence (or yourself, the universe, etc) for this moment. You may find yourself relaxing more as you do this.

-Recite a prayer, poem or quote you grew up with or you particularly enjoy that you have (or want to) memorized. As you recite it, allow images or thoughts to come to mind. This can become a great tool to manage anxiety later on as you develop this as a meditation routine.

-Think about how you engaged with your surroundings today or yesterday using each of your 5 senses. Give some time for each sense as you think, one minute for sights (what did you see? What colors were involved?), sounds, etc.

You Try

Pick one of the guidelines, if you wish, and use it for the next 2 days, finding 5 minutes during each day.

Just think...DC has some of the highest crime in the country. But when 4000 people from all over the world came in and meditated, the capitol's crime rate decreased by 25%!1^

1^Arntz, W., Chasse, B., Vicente, M. (Producers) & Arntz, Chasse, Vicente (Directors). (2004). What The Blee Do We Know? [Motion Picture] United States: Roadside Attractions.

(What the Bleep Do We Know?, Official Findings)