I've avoided posting anything since March. Remember that time I wrote about chasing after my dreams and being scared of life at the same time?
I applied to the grad school I wanted, but I didn't get in. It was a fierce blow to the gut when I read the letter. Everything went through my mind from I'm not good enough to I hate you God.
This is one of my biggest fears, to give myself the freedom to finally dream again, only to be crushed. It is by far one of the worst feelings man shoulders in his lifetime.
There are plenty of inspirational stories about people who experience nearly impossible odds but manage to pick themselves up, dust themselves off, and try harder and succeed in the end.
I'm not really one of those. I can't say I woke up the next morning and jumped back on the horse, more ready than ever to chase life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
I can't say it was God's will that I not go to grad school because I don't believe God has a mapped out plan of my life. But I am desperately trying to make sense of all the why's and what if's to calm the below-the-surface anxiety.
I don't have answers. But I did decide to write an appeal letter to grad school, three days before it's due. I almost didn't because I so badly wanted to avoid that painful feeling in the bottom of my stomach when/if I receive another letter of rejection. Fear of failure and disappointment. But I've mentioned I've lived holed up in a room with four walls just to avoid painful experiences like these, and I wanted to step out this year and give failing a shot. I've succeeded...paradoxically. And this is one major "failure" (I'm beginning to build an aversion to this word, doesn't fit in my stories anymore) I won't forget, but in a good way. There is a sliver of hope that I'll be able to look back in 10 years and laugh, thinking, "I can't believe one small letter of unacceptance almost Heisman blocked me from going after what I want."
