Why I Hate Bible Studies, or More Appropriately Titled: Anxiety & Irrationality

I'm finding myself caught up in a hurricane of anxiety and rage. So I thought I'd write from that today. Enjoy it, damn it.

Currently in the coffee shop watching four Texan women talk about being "real" with each other and how it's important for Christian women to be open and hold each other accountable. "And we just feel so safe talking to each other like this, and it's important because we need to turn from sin (pronounced seeeyun)" insert southern drawl. Screw yourselves. They are lying through their teeth. One woman has her arms crossed, I presume because she was dominating the group until the "older, wiser" woman interjected. While another crosses her legs firmly and folds her hands and pushes herself back in the chair. Avoiding underlying contradiction (because if we ignore it, it's not true, right?). God I hate Bible studies.

But now that I've appropriately displaced my anger, I guess I can switch my 90's emo pandora station to self soothing accents of acousticist stephen bennett. And safely but slowly burrow into my cave of the truth of the matter: my fear.

My short term job ended. And now I'm left to find another in this crap hole of an economy. Just thought I'd throw in a little victimization while I'm at it...

The issue is that I'm scared to death. Scared to apply. Scared to even get online to fill out one form. I tried to apply to Market Street, a not so shabby grocery mart. I uploaded my resume, but then the site wanted me to fill out "their" idea of a resume. As if mine wasn't good enough?! What the hell. I hate these sites. I can almost never finish one. So I stormed out of the house.

All of the what ifs ran through my head. My blood pressure was rising with my heart rate and my breathing was nonexistent. It's probably easy for some of you to read this and think this is ridiculous. I know. But my heart didn't get that memo. Neither did my brain because now it's surging with uncontrollable, irrational ideas. I can't completely explain it, but imagine being pigeon holed and yelled at by all these voices. As if that doesn't feel shitty enough, then imagine those voices are your favorite people. Talk about destroyed self esteem. (And great, now I don't have the confidence to go out and apply for a job. Which then means I won't get one. Which then means I won't be able to pay for insurance. Which then means i might die on a respirator and leave my family to file bankruptcy because they can't pay my hospital bills...). Yeah. That's pretty much how anxiety and irrationality work. Just think of rotating circles made out of harried question marks. Lots of them.

That's what it's like inside an anxious person. And then, if you're fortunate enough, you figure out what grounds you (chamomile tea in a coffee shop with stephen bennett). And you land back on planet earth.

In my attempt for a smooth landing, I thought about my day to distract my irrational state. I spent time with Windy, a new four legged friend who won't let me get near her with a rope. Today, I stepped in to her paddock with a rope. No expectations. After a few minutes, she let me put it on her head. I stopped and walked away right after. I didn't push. Usually I would have stayed until I could get the rope around her, but I'm trying to put my compassion above my goals. I think this will pay off big next time I go see her.

As I reminisced, I gently heard a whisper.

Compassion.

I let out a sigh. And began breathing.

I let myself think about and feel the overwhelming compassion and patience I'd extended to a horse today. My shoulders dropped from my ears back to their low, natural setting. And I cried (inside a little). From the depth of my fear. And listened to the only voice I wanted to hear.

You. Are. Loved.

Quietly the world begins to appear in color again. And I can feel my fingers tapping these keys. And I was just able to take my earphones out. Sighing. It feels good to be back.

How appropriate. The women's study--one lady is discussing right now how she has issues with anxiety and negative self thoughts. Now they're all holding her hand and discussing how they all struggle with the same thing. ("NO way!! YOU?!? But you look so put together...").