The clouds were dark blue, full with rain, but I headed out to the running trail anyway. I kept watch on the sky. Bring it on.
I didn’t want anything to stop me today, my first day of vacation, when all I wanted to do was run. For pleasure. For no reason. Just to run.
I was excited about this play list I made on my ipod called Slow Down Music. With the hopes of it remind me to be slow. I have issues when I run. Or start up running again. I push myself too hard. To the point of pain, trying to see how far I can get while ignoring the pain. The next day when it’s time to run again my body and mind scream at me, pleading for mercy. And I don’t run again for several months until I realize I’m out of shape, run for a few days, kill myself, and stop.
It’s a pattern when I run. So that’s why I have a play list called Slow Down Music. My way of saying, “Hey. Enjoy it.” And sometimes I do. Especially when I have cool things to think about. Like the day I ran and created my storyline.
This pattern of pushing myself too hard when I run, it’s also a pattern in my life. I don’t think I really know how to chill and enjoy the moment. I always make sure what I’m doing is helpful or productive, always. Watch a movie? Who does that. Unproductive. Enjoy a cup of coffee and think about nothing? Purposeless.
But this way of thinking kinda sucks the fun out of life. Fun sucker.
Yesterday’s run was all about running. Nothing productive, no purpose, just run, enjoy the sweat streaming off my face-yeah I know, weird, and enjoy my slow down music. I don’t know what it is about purposefulness. I think the Christian culture is very pro-purpose, everything has to have a purpose. Running serves no purpose. It’s exercise, and it wears me out, but it does nothing to move me further in life. I think I’ll keep doing it. Slowly. Just because I enjoy it.
Then that reminded me…I think that’s what God wants for us. What if He created us just because He enjoys us.
Do we let ourselves enjoy Him?
This is what unproductivity and enjoying life, God’s creation looks like for me…
Our church had a pool party and baptism at this really cool indoor place that had a slide, lazy river, and a water playground. Jealous? You should be. I wanted to jump in, but I did a lot of eating, talking, and even met a new friend. After the baptisms, we walked outside to clean up and leave.
I stepped outside to the patio area, which is surrounded by a small forest. When my eyes adjusted to light of dusk, I spotted lightning bugs.
“Look Katy! Lightning bugs! Dad, can we go catch some?!” Carissa, the daughter of one of the couples in my old life group begged me to come with her. She led me to the trees and started chasing the bugs. I laughed, but there was no way I could just watch.
I think I looked like an overgrown(?) 10 yr old running after an imaginary friend.
“LIGHTNING BUGS!” Carissa and I turned around to see who was as excited as we were. Our pastor ran out to the patio and jumped up and down like a kid. We laughed really hard, holding our insides from falling out, and he offered us plastic cups to keep them in. Seriously?
I loved/enjoyed that moment. Who takes time to chase lightning bugs anymore? When was the last time you chased them? When was the last time you can remember a moment when the world seemed to stop and you savored every second of what you were experiencing? What were you doing? What did it taste like? Feel like? Sound like? And God? He was probably right there with you…reading a book too, or hiking, or riding a bike, watching the stars…or catching lightning bugs
Went running today, to my street. The first time in several days. I’ve been running with the cross country team in the mornings instead of going to my running path.
But whoa, I needed to go back to my street. I had the realization that my initial plan to work ministry part time and train horses part time may be falling through. That’s just how it goes in the horse world, unstable…ha. Naturally, anxiety came flooding in. Again. My answer? Run.
While running, I realized I’m tired of planning. Tired of it stressing me out, because my plans keep changing. A month ago I was going to quit my job and just see what happens. Two weeks ago I changed my mind and was going to do 10 hours/week ministry and 20 hours training horses. This week the plan is 20 hours/week ministry and 10 hours…at Barnes & Noble? Or It’s a Grind. They’re hiring. Or a floral shop since I have some experience helping my roommate with floral arrangements.
My internal ramblings and planning fell silent when I got to the street sign. My legs were so sore from Monday’s work out with the team. They felt like lead hitting the concrete with every stride. The weakness in my legs and in my core seemed to emphasize my mental fatigue.
I walked painfully and slowly down Glory Lane, my eyes squeezed shut and my breathing sounded like wheezing.
I’m so tired of this. I feel like someone is just dragging me around. I give up on planning. I don’t want to think about it anymore.
Then, one of those light bulb moments.
There are many times when plans are good. Like the time Jennifer and I planned to prank our friend Abby by reversing her room. Everything that was on the left side was now on the right. We had to plan the timing.
There are (too) many times when what we plan never happens. Like, I never went to UVA for a Law degree. Or I never made it to the 2008 Olympics like I planned when I was 10. Or just a few months ago, I planned to have this awesome movie night with some students to watch The Princess Bride and only three people came. (And didn’t even like the movie! Inconceivable!)
There are lots of times when we over plan. The time my coworker tried to make an assembly line for smores. Really? They’re smores. You just grab what you need and devour the tasty goodness of heaven.
And then all the times we under plan. Like how I always pack for trips last minute and forget my shoes. Or underwear.
At this time, this moment, I think God may be asking me to let go of my plans and just let Him love me by allowing Him to take care of me. So He can show me His glory, His delight in taking care of me, like a shepherd that chases away the wolves, or a shepherd that leads his sheep to fresh water and to green pastures to rest…To rest. Rest and not plan. Rest and not be anxious. Rest and not fear. To rest, and glory, delight, enjoy God.
I went running today. These are the things that ran through my head…
I sat down with a friend to talk about my life and the chaos of it. It was really good. This is the same person who gave me a good kick in the ass a few weeks ago. We looked at all the things important to me in life and tried to funnel through the most important thing. Talk about stressing me out. You try listing the top 10 important things in your life and having to prioritize them. 10 to 1. No ties allowed.
It was really good. It helped me figure out, “Ok, what can I absolutely not function without? And how can I plan my day and week around that?” Because this is being diligent with my time.
My number one priority was my alone time. If I don’t have it, I’ve noticed I shut down and everything crowds me out of life. If I work too much, my joy ceases. If I am constantly giving to others and not spending time alone to refuel, I shut down mentally and emotionally and my hope ceases. Even if I spend a lot of time with good friends and family, but don’t have my down time, I lose sight of why I’m here.
So when I was running, I was thinking about how my alone time leads me back to glory when I’ve lost touch. When I let things crowd out my time for solitude, I forget about God almost completely. I forget He is here and begin to feel distant or detached. Sounds crazy because I work with a Christian organization, but it is easy to do.
But when I run or go to the coffee shop, it gives me permission to dwell on things like the fact that God is present, and what that looks like, and how He loves me.
And today, when I came to the coffee shop a guy named David was playing his guitar. I love live music at coffee shops. And guess what, I was the only person there…private concert! These are the lyrics to the songs he chose to sing. I think you’ll find them more than coincidental:
“You make everything glorious, and I am Yours. You make everything glorious. What does that make me?”
“Glory to God, glory to God forever”
“The earth is filled with His glory”
And the best lyrics (besides the 90s music he played) that gave me goosebumps were from a song that’s been on the radio lately: “Be strong in the Lord, and never give up hope. You’re gonna do great things. I already know. God’s got His hand on you, so don’t live life in fear.”
Strength. Hope. Two things I’ve desperately been groping for. That I could do great things? Really God? Jesus even says that, that we would do greater things than he did. Really God? But what’s more, I took advantage of my new found wisdom about needing down time. And God met me. At the street. At the coffee shop. I found glory and allowed myself to dwell in it.
This morning at 7am I pulled up to the parking lot where I leave me car during my run. I didn’t go to the street. I couldn’t. I had to be at a track meet in an hour. So I wanted to get as close as I could to the street called Glory. I had to settle for the parking lot that overlooks the sunrise. Not too shabby of a deal.
It was pretty quiet and restful. I’ve learned from some books I’m reading that if I can’t meet God in the center of my heart, then how could I expect to meet Him in the busyness of my life? This morning was my attempt to meet God before the busyness of the week.
This evening at 8pm I pulled up to the parking lot again. A storm had just passed through and so the sunset was stunning. I sat there, and all I wanted to do was punch my fist in the side of my car.
There was an internal storm brewing. I hate not knowing why I feel the way I do. So I did a mental review of my day, my emotions, and my thoughts. I couldn’t understand where the anger was coming from.
I spent my morning with the track team and coaches, soaking in the sun at a meet, enjoying being with people I like. I came home for a dental appointment that stressed me out so badly that the lady had to hand me a tissue to wipe my hands (they are still sweating!). The dentist called me later tonight at 9pm on his personal phone to double check I was ok. Sweet, but I guess he picked up on my stress.
I listened to an audiobook while I was being drilled on. I think that’s what brought up the anger-the book, not the drilling. It was CS Lewis’s A Grief Observed. I listened to it for the second time. Lewis was so real and honest in his book after losing his wife. I appreciated it. But it was like going through a filing cabinet of my emotions and pulling out pain, fear, sadness all over again. Sometimes, like Lewis said, you think you’re over it. But then, you find out you’re not. It’s humbling. It’s really hard. I mean really, really hard.
So that’s what brought me back to the parking lot, this time to watch the sun as it set. It was too dark to go to the street called Glory. I had to settle for this instead. Still, not too shabby. But it was aggravating. You think grief is dealt with and gone, but no. It’s not. It revisits you. Lewis talks about this, too. But I would kind of hope it would. Not masochistically, but it reminds me where I’ve been, what I’ve experienced, and that this is all very real. We need that reminder. That this is hard and it is real. I have someone who constantly reminds me that I’ve been through a lot. My tendency is to brush it off as though nothing happened. Dismissing reality. But I think when the Bible says we are to be righteous, I think righteousness doesn’t mean having lots of grey hairs and being old. I think it means facing reality, enduring it in honesty. I think God honors that because it is quite possibly one of the hardest things to do here on this earth and persevere through it.
“Most people are living a more exciting life than they think they are..." This was part of a blog by Don Miller that talks about writing a storyline, like you would write a mission statement for a business. He says we should write a storyline for our lives, “What this will do is give you a greater clarity about what you are supposed to do today, this week, this month and this year. You’ll find yourself in the theater of your own mind watching an interesting story unravel.” (Don Miller: Writing A Storyline, the Alternative to the Mission Statement)
I liked his idea. So these are the things I thought about during my run. What is my story line? I put on some good music (shameless plug: Brackenfield) and pictured my life as a movie. What would the back of the DVD cover say? How would the first scene start out? What would the trailer be like?...
...Me running on a cold, hazy morning. Music without lyrics “Echoes of a Far Country” playing in the background. Sound of my shoes on the pavement. Out of breath, like I’m running, not from something or someone, but not really running to something either. Camera angles from my point of view, fade to over my shoulder, shifting to the ground watching my feet, inbetween these views fade to scenes of me as a child. Alternating between running and my childhood. Scenes of the tragedies I’ve experience, scenes of all the times I spent out on the farm riding horses, taking note of how healing horses were for me. Panning from this back to me running, coming to the street sign that says Glory. Stopping, out of breath, but looking at the street sign. Flash forward to an image of the future me standing by a child with tear stained cheeks, next to a horse who stands quietly by the child offering comfort. Enter a low, calm, and soothing voice, reading my storyline…
“After the tragic loss of her father at a young age, Katy refused to let love in again. Desperate to keep her daughter from withdrawing from the world, her mom enrolls her in a horse camp. What she thinks is just a phase becomes her child’s saving grace. The soothing and gentle presence of a horse ends up doing more good for Katy than anyone would suspect.
Then years later as an adult, tragedy strikes again. And Katy has a choice…to withdraw from the world once again or take her pain and use it to bring hope to those who need it most, those whose stories are similar to hers…”
So,
What's your storyline?
Living a Better Story Seminar from All Things Converge Podcast on Vimeo.
Information on Don's Conference on Living a Better Story Seminar in Portland
I don’t know why but ever since I started running longer distances, my hands won’t stop sweating. I know that’s gross. But if you have a solution, let me know. They don’t just sweat when I’m running, they sweat always.
Today was just a normal run, but I found myself getting bored of my trail again. I mentioned this a few posts before. Our culture fights this sense of boredom, restlessness. Maybe you know what I’m talking about. Don’t like your car you bought last year? Buy a new one. Don’t like your house? Find another. Tired of your community? Move.
What are we running from? What is it we can’t handle about being still or being content with where we are and what we have? I don’t think we’re satisfied with ourselves and who we are. My roommate and I had this conversation yesterday. We can’t handle being alone with ourselves.
The cool thing is I may have found the answer to this internal restlessness and boredom. Since my journey to hell and back in the past year and a half due to MANY things, I’ve made the (extremely) hard choice to face the reality that is my life-the pain, the loneliness, the dissatisfaction, etc. My roommate says she escapes her reality through movies. I escape it by overworking myself, reading too many books, constantly listening to music, always being with other people.
So the answer I found…face the reality. I had to finally accept I’ve had an incredibly hard year, and I had to/am still having to wade through deep waters and own up to a lot of the emotions I didn’t want to experience. It’s scary, and my advice is don’t do it alone. I’m not. I have the help of some close friends and a few mentors. Heads up, it’s hard. I met a person who has been through some similar stuff too, and she’s able to say it was worth it. I’m still not quite to that point yet. I do know that I have learned some incredible things I never want to lose. And on top of that, I have a street sign I will one day steal and hang in my room.
Which reminds me, funny story, I started going to a class that the city offers. It’s City Hall 101, and it’s about the town I live in and how it works. Last week we visited Public Works. Guess what they do there. They make street signs. I asked how much a sign cost, they said only fifty bucks. That justifies my stealing the street sign on Glory Lane, right?
